What the guilt is going on?

I miss my kettlebell! Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration; perhaps it’s the guilt. Not guilt, actually, because guilt involves ”should” followed by a big swig of “avoidance.” I’ve been working out three days a week with the kettlebell – Mon/Wed/Fri - and I haven’t used it in 6 days. We took a mini-holiday over the weekend, so I worked out on Thursday. Playing, fishing, sunning, and surf occupied my weekend, so I knew that I’d miss Monday, leaving today as my kettlebell day. Well, I pulled my shoulder while lifting my daughter out of the waves, so no kettlebell for me. The shoulder feels fine today, but I don’t want to reinjure it. I did walk for 50 minutes, so I got my cardio in.

It’s amazing, actually, that there’s very little guilt about not working out.

I’m a guilt-driven person. I feel guilty when I don’t let my child play with friends. Guilt when I want to just sit and veg. Guilt at spending too much money. Guilt at taking time for myself. Guilt at stopping for the moment to file my nails. The big joke in my family is that it takes me 20 minutes to pick out a potato. I even feel guilty when I don’t let a driver pull into the flow of traffic from a commercial driveway. I justify it by telling myself that there are more drivers behind me, so more people benefit from my inconsiderate ways. What the guilt is going on??!~!

Boundaries … I’m learning about them. Apparently, I didn’t have many. I let what others think (or what I thought they think) rule my life. Incredible - I’ve spent years consumed by guilt, slowly aging myself without realizing it. No wonder my body has suffered. I’ve bottled up so many things and been ruled by guilt for so long that I’ve suffered panic attacks… I knew logically that my life was good, but I was so unhappy.

I’ve reached a turning point.

Really.

I’m evolving …

I’m not having a mid-life crisis. That, I know. I’m just ready for change. I’m essentially a couch potato who is married to Mr. Workout- gotta-do-something-always-never-sit-down. I used to view myself as lazy, but I’m finding that’s not true. I have a demanding job, I’m a great mom… It’s just that sedentary activities have filled my down time: TV, reading, munching on crunchy, salty foods….

Lately, though, I realize that my limit-my-exercise-because-it’s-hard ways are catching up with me. No real strength to speak of — walking up stairs winds me– tired all of the time, walking around with pinched shoulders… I took the Real Age test and found that my real age was 43. Not bad if you’re 43, but I’m 37. Mr. Workout, on the other hand, has a Real Age of 32. He’s 37 as well. According to his Real Age results, his secret is basically this: working out, having a strong social network, and having a happy marriage. Unfortunately, he likes crunchy, salty foods, too.

Well, I don’t work out, I don’t make time for my friends, and how can he be happily married if I’m not???

I’d already been working on my psyche, which I suppose is why I was ready to take the Real Age test to begin with. My results were eye-opening, but I can honestly say that I wasn’t surprised to find that my hubby is aging better than me… he still has a 6-pack and the same body that he had when we were 20. I was, however, surprised to find that my body was six years older than my real age. I was surprised to find that he is happily married. I was surprised to find that my I’m-a-martyr negative attitude was directly influencing my health. I do not want to spend my elderly years hunched over and frail because I didn’t take care of myself while I could.

A friend called and said, “Let’s walk,” so I did. This was several months ago, and it has changed my life. I am NOT an exercise buff. I LOVE MY COUCH!!! Nonetheless, I can’t deny what’s happening to me. The stress is melting away and my psyche is shaping up. No, the pounds aren’t dropping off, but I’m maintaining a 20-pound weight loss from a year ago while still supporting my fast food habit. I just have more energy… a cliche, I know. It didn’t happen overnight, but I’m now seeing the benefits. Plus, I get to have insta-therapy every morning with a girlfriend.

So… how am I evolving?

I’ve found kettlebells, and I’m three weeks in. I’m hooked! Amazing since I’m afraid of weights. Actually afraid. I took body measurements and plan on charting my progress. This is a huge step for me, considering I once left a gym crying after throwing my guts up.

I’m working on my issues rather than pretending they don’t exist.

I’m making time for my friends, thus making time for me.

I have less mommy guilt.

I’m realizing that I can be happily married.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.