What the guilt is going on?

I miss my kettlebell! Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration; perhaps it’s the guilt. Not guilt, actually, because guilt involves ”should” followed by a big swig of “avoidance.” I’ve been working out three days a week with the kettlebell – Mon/Wed/Fri - and I haven’t used it in 6 days. We took a mini-holiday over the weekend, so I worked out on Thursday. Playing, fishing, sunning, and surf occupied my weekend, so I knew that I’d miss Monday, leaving today as my kettlebell day. Well, I pulled my shoulder while lifting my daughter out of the waves, so no kettlebell for me. The shoulder feels fine today, but I don’t want to reinjure it. I did walk for 50 minutes, so I got my cardio in.

It’s amazing, actually, that there’s very little guilt about not working out.

I’m a guilt-driven person. I feel guilty when I don’t let my child play with friends. Guilt when I want to just sit and veg. Guilt at spending too much money. Guilt at taking time for myself. Guilt at stopping for the moment to file my nails. The big joke in my family is that it takes me 20 minutes to pick out a potato. I even feel guilty when I don’t let a driver pull into the flow of traffic from a commercial driveway. I justify it by telling myself that there are more drivers behind me, so more people benefit from my inconsiderate ways. What the guilt is going on??!~!

Boundaries … I’m learning about them. Apparently, I didn’t have many. I let what others think (or what I thought they think) rule my life. Incredible - I’ve spent years consumed by guilt, slowly aging myself without realizing it. No wonder my body has suffered. I’ve bottled up so many things and been ruled by guilt for so long that I’ve suffered panic attacks… I knew logically that my life was good, but I was so unhappy.

I’ve reached a turning point.

Really.